My wife and I will be celebrating our first wedding anniversary tomorrow!  It really does seem like just yesterday we were prepping to walk down the aisle of that stoned-plated church floor into our destiny together. We have gone through so much in just a year!  We’ve certainly grown and evolved quite a bit. I’m reminded of a blog that my wife wrote about 10 months ago entitled “6 Things No One Ever Told Me About Being a Newlywed”.  It was a great blog that received a lot of views.  From the comments, it was pretty clear to my wife and I that a lot of people could relate to some of the issues we had gone through.  So I thought what a perfect occasion to talk about what I have learned (and I’m still working on some of this stuff).

1. Communication…Sometimes is bad

I know, I know…Everyone says that communication is key to a successful marriage.  I agree.  However, sometimes, it’s just best to remain silent in the moment.  Over the course of a year, I learned that I may not be the most sensitive guy at times.  You and your partner are having a conversation, one thing leads to another, and you find yourselves in a deep argument.  Without warning, something triggers a response from you. Before you can finish the statement, you already feel the regret of the words coming out your mouth.  Have you been in this situation before? I have, plenty of times, and every time I say to myself, think before you speak and save yourself the trouble.  Word to the wise, sometimes it’s worth taking time to calm down, gather your thoughts and approach your partner with love and not anger.

2. Learn the Love Languages

Most marriage classes focus on the concept of learning your spouse’s love language.  Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book that inspired a nation of lovers, The 5 Love Languages.  My love language is Acts of Service, meaning I show love through service to my wife.  My wife’s love language is Words of Affirmation, she appreciates verbal compliments and words of love.  We are very different in our love languages.  Naturally, we want our spouses to adopt our love language but this isn’t practical.  Imagine speaking one language your whole life then suddenly you find yourself in a country where your language is unspoken.   You can try to speak your language but to no avail. The honest truth that you realize is that you can’t expect to communicate until you open yourself to learning their language.  So what if the love language of your spouse is something that doesn’t come naturally for you?  When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.  Keep working at it, it will stick eventually.  Oh, you can’t put your spouse on a timeline either.  Learning your spouse’s love language can take time. Keep working on you, let God deal with the rest.

3. Planning and Prioritizing Never Hurt Any One

I wake up at 6:00am every week day, I’m out the door by 7:00am and depending on the day I’m back in between 5-7:00pm after meetings or other events.  My wife’s schedule is constantly fluctuating between her consulting work, her work as a therapist, and her school work.  In the beginning it felt like we never had time to hang out except for weekends.  Most weekends, we were so tired, we didn’t even want to hang out!  It seemed like managing a relationship was another job, which didn’t feel as romantic as the dating lifestyle pre-marriage. We had to make changes.  For one, we set expectations that once a week, we would have date night (if it was up to my wife we would have date night 3 times a week).  Also, to keep track of all the things going on in our lives, we would keep a calendar board so that we could input all activities.  Whenever we find time during the week, we make sure we use that time wisely together.  Also, be mindful of how you speak to your spouse about your priorities making sure to always make them feel that you have them at the highest priority.  The old saying goes, spend time on the things that are most important to you.  It will go a long way.

4. Left Brain vs Right Brain

My wife has a dominant right side of the brain, meaning she depends more on visual references and tends to be the more creative one.  I have a dominant left side, which handles organization and logic.  Together we make the perfect couple in the sense that we complement each other’s skills and abilities very well.  At times, this can also lead to disagreement.  I love making plans, my wife loves spontaneity.  I enjoy staying indoors at times, my wife likes to going out at times.  I’m sure this is familiar for some.  There is no cure for this. We will always have these differences.  I’ve definitely thought to myself “How do you think this way?” Then at times, I am reminded why opposites attract.  It’s so worth it to have someone who doesn’t think like me.  Now I thank God for our differences, because it would have been so boring to be married to someone exactly like me.

5. See the Speck and not the Log

If you’re like most people, when you have a problem with someone else, you focus on what that person did wrong. You think the problem would get better if the other person would change.  Year one, I pointed my finger at my wife a lot.  Have you heard this before, “every time you point your finger, there are three fingers point back at you?”  In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said “Don’t focus on the speck in your brother’s eye while ignoring the log in your own eye.” (Matthew 7:3)  Do you find yourself saying “I get angry because of how she/he acts” or “He/she is the reason I am becoming this way”.  First, stop looking at your partner’s faults and focus on yourself.  Especially, for us men, as the head of our households, we must set this precedent.  It may not be easy, but it’s essential in keeping peace in the household and opening the door for blessings and favor.

6. Be Willing to Change

She was perfect.  She said all the right things at all the right times.  She seemed to agree with all your views.  Then you got married.  And although for the most part things were great, things started changing.  The decorations you had in the house that she once liked, she doesn’t like anymore, the funny jokes you once made, seem to annoy her and the clothes you wear that once seemed decent now run the risk of deportation.  So maybe this is a vast over exaggeration, but you get the point.  My wife is certainly not this type but both of us can agree that we have changed since when we first meet.  What we have both realized is that things do change, we have to evolve. My wife needs me to not be the guy I was when we were dating, she needs me to grow.  To quote The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have by Dr. Steven Craig, it’s my responsibility as her husband to constantly reinvent myself, maturely and without resentment or regret. Doing so not only makes my marriage better, it makes my life fuller and it makes me a better person. If I didn’t face and make these transitions, my wife wouldn’t want me. Not because I wasn’t a good guy, but because I didn’t grow up.

In Conclusion…

I’m so in love with my wife. I am so thankful for her presence in my life.  We may go through our hard times, but I’ve realized that every time we come out of the storm, we come out stronger.  God has paved a path of victory for us and I’m so excited about our future together.  I hope these words help couples or singles understand what it takes to not just keep a marriage going but to make it thrive.  Above all, nothing builds character like getting married.